u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
