How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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