After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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