apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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