Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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