Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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