JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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