I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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