I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
