Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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