So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
