my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
