Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
