Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
