We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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