the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Found the puke drawer
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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