I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
