Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
