i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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