He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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