I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
