The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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