You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
