Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
