i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
