You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
