I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
