I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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