Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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