I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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