sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
