someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Randomize
