Acid is not a monday night drug
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
