I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
