you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
