I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
