Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
