he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
