Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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