i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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