ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
