Pappa wants mamma naked
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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