hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
