Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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