By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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