so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
