I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
