Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
