maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i will never coherently bang her
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
