when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
