i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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